When I was a kid, my parents used to drag my brother and me across the country every summer. Don’t get me wrong, it was fun, but the car ride was always a drag. After we got bored of making all the 18-wheelers honk their horns, we’d start arguing about which truck was owned by our fantasy trucking companies, whether we had just seen Smokey and the Bear heading at high speed in the opposite direction and/or who were better drivers - the Duke Boys or CHiPs Officers Ponch and John. Inevitably a fight would break out and my father would threaten to stop the car right then and there.
One of the ways my mom used to keep my brother and me from bare knuckle boxing in the back seat (and my father from having an embolism) was to play the alphabet game. So we’d merrily check out signs, license plates, bumper stickers and campgrounds for letters. I always regretted never being able to stay at one of those fun looking Yogi Bear’s Jellystone Park™ Campgrounds and Resorts with all the water-slides and swimming pools and RVs and campers and soda pop and candy and pop corn and girls in my grade who were also traveling with their families, who I imagined to be much like the girls in National Lampoon’s Vacation ready to play spin the bottle and…sorry, I seem to have lost my internal monologue.
Now that I’m 35 and attacking the crazy “bumper sticker” politics of John Edwards, all I can think about is the Jellystone Park™ campground fantasy of my youth.
So when the former Senator started shooting his mouth off about the Global War on Terrorism (GWOT) as nothing more than a “bumper sticker,” he managed to not only get my goat, but my mind flashed back to summer highway expeditions for literary fodder. I couldn’t help packing my analysis without adding the flavor of liberal bumper stickers to my king size salted nut roll. Let’s pull the family truckster over, fill her up with regular gas for around $10, ignore the dead grandmother tied to the roof and examine the left’s sticky chrome traveling political propaganda machine while we raid the candy isle (click on image for larger view):
Now riddle me this: What did the left intend with these bumper stickers? Haven’t the messages always been mere political slogans intended to undermine President Bush’s legitimacy, create constitutional crisis and make the case for impeachment by simplifying complex issues into disingenuous political propaganda? Does John Edwards really expect me to believe that he isn't still sore about the theft of the 2000 Presidential Election by a dimwitted redneck from Texas? Say it ain’t so!
As I imagine my brother and me crossing the country again, I think I’d likely see John Edward’s million dollar RV parked in one of those fantasy camp grounds. Instead of Yogi Bear beckoning us to hook-up, drain our human waste and put our feet up on the well worn picnic tables, it would be a big fat Michael Moore cut-out inviting us all to stop, rest and stuff our faces with Oscar Goebbels hot dogs . Instead of kids laughing and playing in the pool, there would be little Iraqi kids, laughing and playing soccer with close air support diving in on their innocent existence while American soldiers and marines sing variations on Napalm Sticks to Kids during a camp wide militant American Idol try-out in the Dearborn Memorial Amphitheater. OK, sorry. Like, that may have been a little too over the top.
For John Edwards to say that the GWOT is nothing more than a bumper sticker is, quite simply, hilarious. In case he hadn’t noticed, the liberal propaganda machine has been churning anti-Bush bumper stickers out by the thousands since their fateful November day in the double-ought year of our lord (that's 2000 for those of you that don't habla). These bumper stickers have been the bedrock of the causal relationship between the loony left agenda and the creation of a political climate necessary for everything to turn from bad to utopia.
At this point, I think it might be wise to take a minute to recap the formerly honorable senator’s comments from the most recent Presidential debate:
“But what this global war on terror bumper sticker -- political slogan, that's all it is, all it's ever been -- was intended to do was for George Bush to use it to justify everything he does: the ongoing war in Iraq, Guantanamo, Abu Ghraib, spying on Americans, torture. None of those things are OK. They are not the United States of America.” – The Honorable John Edwards, Former US Senator and 2008 Presidential Candidate
Now we can delve into my own outlandish analysis of the Edwards modus operandi.
Evidently, John Edwards has pitched his circus tent in the Michael Moore Gelignite campground, just to the left of Interstate 51 – the national conspiracy theory highway. Let’s examine the old boy’s examples of “everything” that George Bush "does" in office:
1) The Iraq war (i.e. – that George Bush mislead the country into the unjust, illegal, pre-emptive, go it alone, stayed course of the last 4 years based on the exaggerated linkage between Saddam, UBL and Al Qaeda which gave us Abu Ghraib where Iraqi people were all tortured in the name of the GWOT);
2) Guantanamo (i.e. – torture);
3) Abu Ghraib (i.e. – torture);
4) Spying on Americans (I think he means the “illegal” wire-tapping program that the congress and the judiciary have helped make “legal.” However, this could also lead directly to incarceration in Guantanamo and therefore could also mean torture); and
5) Torture (i.e. – the Iraq War, Guantanamo, Abu Ghraib and Spying on Americans).
Here’s another great quote that clearly illustrates John Edward's analysis of the conspiratorial nature of modern American politicos:
“It's a conspiracy wrapped in a plot inside a government agenda.” – Agent Fox Mulder, Federal Bureau of Investigations, X-Files unit (a fictional character)
Could it be possible that John Edwards and his campaign staff have collectively fallen and bumped their heads? One thing is for sure, they are definitely not "smarter than the average bear."
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